Home Alone

I actually wrote this post months ago but for some reason couldn’t bring myself to share it until now ………

Last night I spent the night alone in my home. This was obviously not the first time I had been home alone but something about this felt very different. Instead of home alone being an occasional reprieve it was now the beginning of a new normal – one I am not sure I am ready for.

When I was growing up my house was where all my friends hung out. At my parents recent 50th anniversary party there were several people, friends of mine and my brothers, who counted themselves as extended kids in the family.

When I had my own kids I was delighted when my house also became the hang out house. There were nights I’d go to bed and by the time I woke up there would be several young people asleep on my couch. My kids and their friends knew my house was a safe haven. I housed kids who were going through things at their own homes and needed a break, who were not getting along with their own parents and needed a cooling off period, or just needed somewhere to stay for a couple days.

My house was always full of life, activity, noise and food. I can think of several people who call me “Ma” other than my own kids.

I’m not persnickety about my house so the fact that this many kids often meant mess wasn’t something that stressed me too much.

Last year my daughter moved away for college so naturally her friends no longer gather here. Even now when she is home it is different. She is an adult now so often the hanging out is done outside the home.

My son is still home and his 2 closest friends remain regular inhabitants in my home. However, at the end of the summer my son is also leaving for college. He is moving across the country so won’t even be able to easily pop home the way his sister can.

This weekend my son was away with his dad. My daughter was here briefly but she left to go back to her apartment. A strange calm and quiet existed in the house. The dog and I both seemed overwhelmed by the silence.

I’ve never lived alone. I moved from my parents’ house into my college dorm. In grad school I lived with several people over the years – my brother, my cousin, my boyfriend, my friend Jenn. Then I got married and had kids. Home alone was a rare occurrence and always relatively short-lived.

Now home alone is about to be my norm. There are obvious perks to this. My cold Pepsi will still be in the fridge when I go to get it. My charger cord will be where I left it. I won’t reach for my shampoo only to find “someone” has moved it. My cutlery won’t vanish. I’ll be able to take a long shower without running out of hot water. There will always be clean towels.

However, the fact is that I am really sad about this. I am relatively introverted so the time on my own is not an issue. I will miss the laughter and silliness that only young people bring. I know I will adjust – I’ve got a full life. BUT for right now I am deeply grieving the start of this empty nest phase of my life.